So I feel like one of those bodies that has been rotted down to the bone. Slowly, but every dream I had, every hope, even every crazy fantazy I had just stripped away. I can't even shut my eyes at night and pretend I'm with the man of my dreams, or any man matter of fact. I never feel sorry for myself maybe it would be okay if I did . I instead feel nothing. Not a good numb nothing. But an empty void that is almost not human. I never saw it before and now I am beginning to and its really, well, its really nothing. Gosh it takes all I am to have friends and I just sit there with these beautiful people with lovely lives swirling around me: Wives, husbands, mothers, children, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends. They are all this forgein idea to me now like a theory I have given up on unfortunately so has my body. Anyways I take back ever saying I wanted to feel nothing I'd rather be numb. Nothing is a scary place.
So yeah I do have fibromyalgia okay this sucks but everyone says at least I won't die.......I'll leave that one be. Today is not a good day in a lot of pain. FM is a problem in the brain where it tells your body it is pain when there isn't the normal damage or stress on a body part. So yeah there also is no cure. Its like fake pain that your brain makes real. Yeah I no longer wonder why people don't think its real. It would be nice if my boyfriend showed any interest in the daily pain that I go through and not just pressure me about not having sex with him. Ok kids I have a hard time taking a shower, sex is not at the top of my list of things to do. I wrote my mom her birthday card today took 20 mins to write about four lines I wanted to say so much more but I was in so much pain I hope she knows there is so much more. I want my boyfriend to be single I really do. I think he would be soooo much happier doing his own thing meeting people and not having someone drag him down. In my mine our relationship has deteriorated to nothing so seems like a perfect time. I"m afraid to tell him cause well I don't want to be alone and I don't want him to freak out on me and make me feel worse, seems to be all he does these days cause I really honestly don't think he wants to be with me. His happy stories are that of things a single guy does and he gets depressed when he thinks about me. I just don't have the energy. He wants to make everything so complicated and deep all while acting like he's laid back. News flash he is not laid back and is supremely complicated. I need laid back. Anyways I'm either tired or in pain or something I can't write anymore. Peace....ahhh that would be nice
So here I am lying in my bed in severe pain. Migraine, neck, back and knee pain pumped full of drugs yet still in pain and now my tummy hurts from the meds. Life is fun right. I just wrote down a list of my symptoms and honestly I think it is gonna overwhelmed the doctor I am going to see today. Funny thing that is not the thing that is on my mind. I have a boyfriend, James. Everyone says "Emily its not James or nobody." Hey guess what it is, but even if it was not because I have no problem finding men not to be conceited but they just are not that complicated. Unfortunately I am because of this fucking illness. Anyways James is in California for a month or so. Usually he is really good tells me he misses me seems sad without me tells me how much he wants to see me. Instead, he got a new car without even talking it over with me *ding ding ding guess what Emily you aren't that important to this guy* and has been partying. He has myspace, one pic of me *not saying i'm his girlfriend*, tons of pics of him partying and wasted and with girls AND kissing a guy. He's 30 years old come on now. I wanted him to have fun but not leaving me hanging. I feel so unimportant right now its not even funny. He talks to bunches of girls on myspace *flashed back to my Ex cheating on me on myspace* and treats me like I"m being crazy for being upset by it *flashed back to my Ex always turning everything on me.* Real good stuff for the self esteem lemme tell ya. Wah for me right. I should not really even be in a relationship but you know what relationships never come at convenient times. We'll see where it goes like I said it's a waiting game for me. So I"m pretty sure I have Fibra Myalgia isn't that just great. My luck keeps getting better whomever said the irish are lucky was prolly drunk and irish. Damn I can't even drink anymore, hell I can't get out of bed haha. Oh its not funny but you gotta laugh in life at some point even if you're crying right?Right?
No one made me feel more important then Adria. She made me want to shower every day, make food, do laundry and actually fold it. She helped me clean the apartment and my room and it was so fun for her. She amazed me with her kind spirit and loving nature. We would take walks around the neighborhood and it was the most fun thing to her. Sometimes I wish we had a little of Adria in us to remember the small things. Remember the days we would stare at the ground and make fantasies about the ants crawling around. Seeing her do it was like breathing the freshest air on earth. I talk about Adria as my own because I felt she was mine. I am not having my own children and Adria was this perfect angelic child that loved me. She really loved me and to be honest and not corny I would give me life for her with a blink of an eye. I think about the things she was gonna do in her life. I always had such as what her prom dress would look like, when she was gonna be a snotty teenager, and what she would look standing at the alter with the most handsome kind man. You know how people say sometimes live their lives through their kids well I did. She was so sharp, energetic, intelligent and could make friends with everyone, and EVERYONE loved her the second they met her. She was everything I had always wanted to be. Funny to admire a five year old. Oh and she was beeeeeautiful. From the day she was born I loved her rose bud lips her big grey eyes and her long lashes. Now that I think about it she looked like those wide-eyed angels they sell in ceramic. One time I heard her stirring in the morning. The sounds of her moms bedroom door opening, then the stool being pushed, and the cubbard being open and shut. She was a master mind theif. I listened to it several times and counted how many of her treats she was stealing before her mom woke up. I thought it would be funny to scare her. So one morning I heard the push of the stool waiting till i knew she had taken the candy, opened my door and yelled "what are you doing!!!!???." Adria burst into tears I had scared her to death. When she burst into tears I held her close now myself being scared to death cause she was crying hysterical. I explained to her that I was just joking and was trying ot scare her and if she stopped crying she could take the candy and I would not tell her mom. Funny how right after I said that she stopped crying. She had the best crocidile money could buy haha. She bounced of to her room with her candy and I realized I had just been decieved. Hey she was damn good she deserved the candy plus you cannot be mad at Adria its not possible. For instance: I watched after Adria for about three months when I first moved in with her mom when her mom was at work. I decided that after we played in the afternoon we would learn the ABC's. I had color in pictures and she worked hard. I went to walk out the door one day and say a large A in black crayon on the front door. My jaw dropped. Now it was a perfect A but um not on our white front door. You just cannot get mad at her. Now I cherish the time we share in my prayers. She is having so much freaking fun it's ridiculous though she misses her mom and family a lot. Her mom will not speak to me. In one way I see why like what are we supposed to do sit down and have lunch together when looking at Elisa is like looking at Adria. On the other hand I needed my best friend. I went to the funeral which I do not normally do. I think funerals are for the living and personally they make things a whole lot worse for me. I will always be haunted by her funeral. I will never get the picture of that little white casket out of my head. I do not know if anything could quite hurt as much as losing Adria honestly. Though I am thankful that she never knew sin, hard ache, rage, or sorrow. I will never get over Adria I still think about her several times a day. I do not know how to move on, let go and if I want to let go. I want to hold on to her forever. Seeing her face when I close my eyes, hearing her voice and laughter, smelling her when I take deep breaths. God I miss the way she smells.
Yeah so I intended to explore short story writing with this blog but today I'm just exhausted and feeling so miserable. My boyfriend left for California for a month yesterday. I was a complete mess leading up to it. Now that he is gone I'm still a complete mess. I feel like one of those controlling husbands you here about that like like their wives up and tell them they are ugly and give them an allowance and don't allow them to have friends. I'm terrified James is going to go to California and just party his heart out fall in love with Cali maybe fall in love with another girl. A better girl. I've been laid up in bed for months now only getting up when my boyfriend visits to put on a good face. Let me tell you the trailor trash roots, my practicaly rotting gums, no makeup, dark circles under my eyes, and paler then an irish girl really should be is not a good look. That girl you see to the right is um not even close to what I look like now. Now I know its not all about looks but when my boyfriend could practically be a born again virgin and is out getting drunk a hot chick is quite the temptation. *sighs* I'm miserable. My support is my mom who actually believes me and takes care of me. I think I should have probably been put in a facility a long time ago but my parents have pretty much been giving me hospice care. My dad has given up on me. I really can't blame him but I really can't have it not hurt too. I can't even talk to him anymore cause he doesn't want to "hear my line of crap." He used to be my bestfriend. I have never had a man that stood by me, protected me,supported me, and as much as a person can not hurt me. My first love used me, abused me, and cheated on me constantly. My brother has also been extrememly abusive to me emotionally and physically. My dad has been emotionally abusive but no one would ever help with my brother and dad cause well that's just the way it is. I ask a lot of people but trust me if I could hold down a small job live in a tiny hole in bellefonte and be out of my parents hair I would do everything in my power to do so. But I know the outcome and it is me slowly killing myself by not eating or taking care of myself. I dont' think my parents understand that I don't stay here to be a pain in the ass and selfish and a leech I do it so I don't die (mind you this is not a bad outcome in my mind but I know its not what others around me want.) James isn't abusive to me. My heart screams when he is supportive of me and completely shuts off when he does his this is all your fault do something lines. Again I don't blame him. I can't believe he's stuck around so long. I really don't think he knows he is in a relationship with a disabled person that left on my own I don't eat, shower, get out of bed, do laundry. I just wither away. Its a guiltfree way of dying really for me at least. I really wish James and my relationship was more serious at this point. I wish he would take care of me maybe get a cheap hole I can live in instead of burdening my parents. Away from my parents house I could spend all my time making money online. So I could maybe even at some point pay for the place but he's not at that point. I dont think he sees me that close to him or he wants me living with him travelling around all over the place. That's all I'm gonna write right now because my thoughts are all over the place. Elove's brain is on crack today.
So scientists know little about the brain................well they really need to get on that. I am completely insane, no really. I can remember insanity back when I was a tiny little child maybe five years old. I would lie in my little twin bed in my dark, cold room listening to the hundred year old oak trees scratching at the windows. I would have my eyes wide open saying to myself "Emily do not think about that (would be anything, when I was a child I felt guilt and this sickening feeling of being morally wrong often). It is the devil telling you to think that way." I would shut my eyes and, my mind, as if a little kid racing to the Christmas presents before the other kids got any, I would think of that one thing I told myself not to think about. My eyes would burst open because I, of course, thought the devil had crept inside my brain. Here I am twenty years later and well, scientists, I still think the devil is in my brain and in my body now for you have offered no other explanations. Makes me think about when they used to lock people with mental illnesses up in prisons. I have news for ya kiddos we already are locked up in prison. Its called being crazy and no one has a flipping clue why. I will tell various stories about my mental illnesses and of course some probably have run and hid the second I mentioned the word, like they might catch it if they read my blog. I suffer with massive depression that is cyclical in a bipolar fashion except I get really fucking sad then just kinda sad, anxiety, and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). So yeah that's what the fancy doctors came up with which they had not told me until ummm four years into my treatment. Oh and you name a drug and I have been on it so don't do the whole, "oh try this medicine and all your problems will melt away." My latest psychiatrist wrote down all the drugs I have tried and it stunned him (this man shows no emotion and he was stunned). I am at a point in my life where I understand or rather accept my mental illness. I am over being scared to tell people or accepting it as my life. I'M FUCKING INSANE!!!!! See. I still go through hard times especially with trying to have a relationship with my amazing boyfriend. I do not want to take any more medication besides the sedative I take daily because frankly my life is better being mentally ill then mentally ill with shitty side effects. I have a lot more to say about this but kinda needed to get an overview out of me. Fun stuff!
Please understand that I am highly cynical, sarcastic as hell, tend to swear and speak from my heart. My blogging is not only for me but others. Hopefully they make you laugh or touch your heart. I am completely random and full of ideas, stories, and relatable (Yeah I make up words) issues. I guess this is my disclaimer ****If you are close minded, take everything so seriously, or are grumpy.....need not apply****
ELove's brain online today: I hear a knocking at my door. I stay as still as possible not even typing for fear she will hear me. "Emiwweeee (Emily), I know I'm not supposed to knock on youwww (your) doowwww (door) but its wwweeellly (really) important." I sit motionless like I'm hiding our from the police. Another light knock and a whisper, "Emiweeeee." I stare at the door and two tiny shadows where there is a crack at the bottom of the door. I want to speak but I know I need to stay strong and follow the rules. I see a tiny piece of paper slide under my door. I stand up slowly moving to the paper like I just got passed a note in class and the teacher will see if I take it. I open it up to see a picture of the sunset, trees, and people laughing (really its just scribbles in a circular motion in several colors). I smile laughing silently. I cannot resist her. I quickly put my stern face on and open the door. Adria is standing in a night gown a sticker in her hand looking up at me as she watches my face. I turn to my door and my jaw drops. There are about fifty stickers plastered to my door from flowers to Dora (Dora the explorer from the some kids channel) to address stickers. Adria is my room mate Elisa's four year old little girl and she knows the rules of the house are if Aunty Ems door is shut no knocking or coming to my room. I hold the little piece of paper in my hand look from the stickers to Adria, her brown soft hair is sticking up in the back with her big blue/grey eyes sparkling up at me as she bats her daddy long leg long eyelashes. She pushes her hair back nervously, her little toes digging into the carpet she breaks the silence "Um Emiweee see what I did. I decowwwated your doowww (door) and also did you get my note." Adria stands proudly, my mind for a second goes to all the stickers thinking wow this will impress the men and how will i get them off. Adria is rocking back and forth now looking at the ground. I take her head in my hand stroking her hair softly, "wow Adria this sure is a lot of stickers." She shrugs and tugs me to the living room "there is a movie on will you watch it with me pwwweeasseeee." I speak to her as if she is my equal, "Adria you know not to knock on my door I will not watch the movie with you." Before I know it she is on my lap cuddled in stroking my arms and hands like she does. I sit there relaxed by her touch watching some god awful princess movie. I press my lips to her hair breathing in deep. I miss her smell, her touch, her voice, the softness of her nighties, the way she can get you to do anything and not be mad. She passed in September. She was hit by a motorcycle and was killed......I still miss the way she smelled.