ELove's Brain Online

Yeah so I intended to explore short story writing with this blog but today I'm just exhausted and feeling so miserable. My boyfriend left for California for a month yesterday. I was a complete mess leading up to it. Now that he is gone I'm still a complete mess. I feel like one of those controlling husbands you here about that like like their wives up and tell them they are ugly and give them an allowance and don't allow them to have friends. I'm terrified James is going to go to California and just party his heart out fall in love with Cali maybe fall in love with another girl. A better girl. I've been laid up in bed for months now only getting up when my boyfriend visits to put on a good face. Let me tell you the trailor trash roots, my practicaly rotting gums, no makeup, dark circles under my eyes, and paler then an irish girl really should be is not a good look. That girl you see to the right is um not even close to what I look like now. Now I know its not all about looks but when my boyfriend could practically be a born again virgin and is out getting drunk a hot chick is quite the temptation. *sighs* I'm miserable. My support is my mom who actually believes me and takes care of me. I think I should have probably been put in a facility a long time ago but my parents have pretty much been giving me hospice care. My dad has given up on me. I really can't blame him but I really can't have it not hurt too. I can't even talk to him anymore cause he doesn't want to "hear my line of crap." He used to be my bestfriend. I have never had a man that stood by me, protected me,supported me, and as much as a person can not hurt me. My first love used me, abused me, and cheated on me constantly. My brother has also been extrememly abusive to me emotionally and physically. My dad has been emotionally abusive but no one would ever help with my brother and dad cause well that's just the way it is. I ask a lot of people but trust me if I could hold down a small job live in a tiny hole in bellefonte and be out of my parents hair I would do everything in my power to do so. But I know the outcome and it is me slowly killing myself by not eating or taking care of myself. I dont' think my parents understand that I don't stay here to be a pain in the ass and selfish and a leech I do it so I don't die (mind you this is not a bad outcome in my mind but I know its not what others around me want.) James isn't abusive to me. My heart screams when he is supportive of me and completely shuts off when he does his this is all your fault do something lines. Again I don't blame him. I can't believe he's stuck around so long. I really don't think he knows he is in a relationship with a disabled person that left on my own I don't eat, shower, get out of bed, do laundry. I just wither away. Its a guiltfree way of dying really for me at least. I really wish James and my relationship was more serious at this point. I wish he would take care of me maybe get a cheap hole I can live in instead of burdening my parents. Away from my parents house I could spend all my time making money online. So I could maybe even at some point pay for the place but he's not at that point. I dont think he sees me that close to him or he wants me living with him travelling around all over the place. That's all I'm gonna write right now because my thoughts are all over the place. Elove's brain is on crack today.