Soooo In the last two and a half months I have been on antibiotics for a month and a half O.o. That is insane but I'm still not better so I have to take an antibiotic that I'm allergic to now its the only one that is effective enough. I'm getting at the end of my rope one again because what keeps me strong is my faith, my friends, and volunteering but this illness is hindering all that. My faith has gotten me this far but when you are feeling this sick its even hard to pray sometimes. I know my bible study group is praying for me I just wish I could be with them they mean so much to me. I'm starting to feel like the shell of myself again. I've broken down a few times but my faith is very strong right now my heart is heavy with the love of Jesus so I am very happy for that otherwise I would be a mess and it would just make everything worse. I just miss my church and just being near other people with the same faith. I have a hard time praying for help from God which is weird its usually easier for people to ask and not thank God. I try to pray for strength, courage and health I hope that's the right thing if there is a right thing to pray for. My poor little body I feel so bad for it haha. I'm so young but my body feels so old but at least my heart and mind are in a good place (most of the time!). On the brighter side my doggy Bella is delighted that her mommy will be sick in bed for another week haha. At least she's happy :D
It amazes me how far down you can be and get out of that place. A man from my church recently committed suicide and that always hits my heart. That sounds selfish because of course his family are heavy in my heart but I so feel for the man. There was a time in my life that....how can I put it. Do you know when you crave ice cream and like think about it and what kind you will get and how good it will taste and that yummy full feeling afterwards. That's what suicide used to be like for me. I was in such a bad place that it was actually comforting to thinking about killing myself. When I was going through it there was a point that I reached where I had to decide...will I continue on living this horrible life (my life around me was amazing it was in my brain that was awful, panic attacks, massive depression, and I didn't know God like I do now) or would I finish the endless cycle of misery? And you know what decision I came to.....Not to kill myself because I knew it would hurt others. When you are in that moment you never think it will get better. I never thought I would be sitting here today let alone knowing Christ, honoring him, enjoying my life and letting Christ show his love to me and through me. Never would I think that horrible cycle was gonna end and that's why I understand why people commit suicide and also why coming out of that place it makes me so deeply sad knowing they could have gotten out of that place but just didn't know it. NO ONE could have told me I wasn't going to have panic attacks everyday and cry everyday (I'm not exaggerating) I was either going to accept it or end my life. I would rock myself with my arms around myself just begging God to take me and hold me (I always felt a soothing feeling when I begged for that). I just wanted to be with God. I didn't even know I could live life and be with God. My life right now is another gift that small brown haired child Adria gave me.....a life with Jesus (She knew who jesus was from her great grandmothers necklace before anyone had ever told her) If Adria had not died I really do not think my life would have gone in a good direction. I truly without a doubt believe Adria is an angel. In life and now in death she gives and gives. This little five year old loved like Jesus loves. The last couple months have been rough I do try not to think about it but I count each year and how old Adria would be and listen to people complain about their kids. I just sit there and shake my head and wish it was acceptable to be like well are they really that bad that you'd want them dead....if they alive cherish them no matter how difficult it is. It weird I never once thought I wish Adria had never been born or that I had never met her because of the pain....never once....She had a purpose....She was and still is my inspiration in life and I try to be like her everyday. I miss her so much it aches but in some part of me I know that this is God's plan. I know now that God does not have bad plans or bad purposes for our life He has only the best purpose. So when things out of our control happen it is God's plan. This little girls not only saved the lives of the organ recipients but of those of every person she touched. At her funeral which I remember very little about was filled to the brim with people. A crowd that a 70 y.o. person would bring. But in this child's five young years she had shown love so freely that she touched hearts just like Jesus did. I wouldn't take back one second with her, one memory or one tear. Losing Adria was a true testament that you can get past the darkest hours and you can be close to God if you open your eyes. He will find you even without the light.
I really forgot about this blog and looking back at it has me frightened, sad, and liberated. In some ways things have not changed. Adria. I talk to her every day and still will trade anything to be able to see her in heaven. And yes I still miss the way she smells so much it aches. Her birthday is coming up in May it is so hard to think of I can't even really describe. Thinking of how old she would be, how tall, how she could be standing right next to me but one thing has changed. Adria was not my daughter she is Elisa's and it was very wrong for me to feel that way. As much as I loved Adria with every fiber of my being it will never be what Elisa felt for her not even close. Recently Pastor Jeff spoke about forgiveness.....it came to a point where a man named Eddy spoke about experiences to Jeff and he told Pastor Jeff I have forgiven everybody, EVERYBODY but one person..........myself. Pastor Jeff replied to him "How dare you not forgive someone the savior Himself would forgive." HOW DARE YOU those words hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt my body melt and I cried. Yes IIII cried in public because How dare I not forgive myself for whatever it is that upset Elisa and made her not want to be in my life. How dare I not forgive myself for all the MILLIONS of things I hold against myself. It was an amazing moment and honestly in that moment my life, my heart was filled by Jesus. My heart feels heavy, good, protected and I trust it now. I know my life has purpose. I won't be the victim. I just won't. Yes I have pain. Yes I have fatigue. Yes I cannot do all that I once wanted to do or even now could. But you know what for all those doors that closed *I just started crying haha* ten more opened and have poured happiness throughout my life. You know I always had the strongest bond with God. I love Him more than anything period. But I did feel lost in those feelings, Is He listening, I don't deserve to ask for anything or even pray for He has given me so much already, I must disappoint Him so much, and always in my mind I apologized to God over and over again for not doing what it is I thought He put me here for. Now that all seems so crazy. God is in me, all around me, He hears me, He loves me, I can trust Him, and He has a purpose for me. I still love God more than anything but with that I learned to love myself a gift that LifePoint, myself and God have given me. And yes I actually give myself some credit amazing right! It makes me sad to read the below blogs besides the ones about Adria because they are so filled with really horrible emotions but at the same time, *breathes deep*, it feels so good to be where I am and moving in a direction with God. I pray every night. I ask for prayers for people I love and know, I speak to Adria when I want and feel I will see her again, and I love me :) in all my silliness and illness and everything that makes me, me.
So I feel like one of those bodies that has been rotted down to the bone. Slowly, but every dream I had, every hope, even every crazy fantazy I had just stripped away. I can't even shut my eyes at night and pretend I'm with the man of my dreams, or any man matter of fact. I never feel sorry for myself maybe it would be okay if I did . I instead feel nothing. Not a good numb nothing. But an empty void that is almost not human. I never saw it before and now I am beginning to and its really, well, its really nothing. Gosh it takes all I am to have friends and I just sit there with these beautiful people with lovely lives swirling around me: Wives, husbands, mothers, children, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends. They are all this forgein idea to me now like a theory I have given up on unfortunately so has my body. Anyways I take back ever saying I wanted to feel nothing I'd rather be numb. Nothing is a scary place.
So yeah I do have fibromyalgia okay this sucks but everyone says at least I won't die.......I'll leave that one be. Today is not a good day in a lot of pain. FM is a problem in the brain where it tells your body it is pain when there isn't the normal damage or stress on a body part. So yeah there also is no cure. Its like fake pain that your brain makes real. Yeah I no longer wonder why people don't think its real. It would be nice if my boyfriend showed any interest in the daily pain that I go through and not just pressure me about not having sex with him. Ok kids I have a hard time taking a shower, sex is not at the top of my list of things to do. I wrote my mom her birthday card today took 20 mins to write about four lines I wanted to say so much more but I was in so much pain I hope she knows there is so much more. I want my boyfriend to be single I really do. I think he would be soooo much happier doing his own thing meeting people and not having someone drag him down. In my mine our relationship has deteriorated to nothing so seems like a perfect time. I"m afraid to tell him cause well I don't want to be alone and I don't want him to freak out on me and make me feel worse, seems to be all he does these days cause I really honestly don't think he wants to be with me. His happy stories are that of things a single guy does and he gets depressed when he thinks about me. I just don't have the energy. He wants to make everything so complicated and deep all while acting like he's laid back. News flash he is not laid back and is supremely complicated. I need laid back. Anyways I'm either tired or in pain or something I can't write anymore. Peace....ahhh that would be nice
So here I am lying in my bed in severe pain. Migraine, neck, back and knee pain pumped full of drugs yet still in pain and now my tummy hurts from the meds. Life is fun right. I just wrote down a list of my symptoms and honestly I think it is gonna overwhelmed the doctor I am going to see today. Funny thing that is not the thing that is on my mind. I have a boyfriend, James. Everyone says "Emily its not James or nobody." Hey guess what it is, but even if it was not because I have no problem finding men not to be conceited but they just are not that complicated. Unfortunately I am because of this fucking illness. Anyways James is in California for a month or so. Usually he is really good tells me he misses me seems sad without me tells me how much he wants to see me. Instead, he got a new car without even talking it over with me *ding ding ding guess what Emily you aren't that important to this guy* and has been partying. He has myspace, one pic of me *not saying i'm his girlfriend*, tons of pics of him partying and wasted and with girls AND kissing a guy. He's 30 years old come on now. I wanted him to have fun but not leaving me hanging. I feel so unimportant right now its not even funny. He talks to bunches of girls on myspace *flashed back to my Ex cheating on me on myspace* and treats me like I"m being crazy for being upset by it *flashed back to my Ex always turning everything on me.* Real good stuff for the self esteem lemme tell ya. Wah for me right. I should not really even be in a relationship but you know what relationships never come at convenient times. We'll see where it goes like I said it's a waiting game for me. So I"m pretty sure I have Fibra Myalgia isn't that just great. My luck keeps getting better whomever said the irish are lucky was prolly drunk and irish. Damn I can't even drink anymore, hell I can't get out of bed haha. Oh its not funny but you gotta laugh in life at some point even if you're crying right?Right?
No one made me feel more important then Adria. She made me want to shower every day, make food, do laundry and actually fold it. She helped me clean the apartment and my room and it was so fun for her. She amazed me with her kind spirit and loving nature. We would take walks around the neighborhood and it was the most fun thing to her. Sometimes I wish we had a little of Adria in us to remember the small things. Remember the days we would stare at the ground and make fantasies about the ants crawling around. Seeing her do it was like breathing the freshest air on earth. I talk about Adria as my own because I felt she was mine. I am not having my own children and Adria was this perfect angelic child that loved me. She really loved me and to be honest and not corny I would give me life for her with a blink of an eye. I think about the things she was gonna do in her life. I always had such as what her prom dress would look like, when she was gonna be a snotty teenager, and what she would look standing at the alter with the most handsome kind man. You know how people say sometimes live their lives through their kids well I did. She was so sharp, energetic, intelligent and could make friends with everyone, and EVERYONE loved her the second they met her. She was everything I had always wanted to be. Funny to admire a five year old. Oh and she was beeeeeautiful. From the day she was born I loved her rose bud lips her big grey eyes and her long lashes. Now that I think about it she looked like those wide-eyed angels they sell in ceramic. One time I heard her stirring in the morning. The sounds of her moms bedroom door opening, then the stool being pushed, and the cubbard being open and shut. She was a master mind theif. I listened to it several times and counted how many of her treats she was stealing before her mom woke up. I thought it would be funny to scare her. So one morning I heard the push of the stool waiting till i knew she had taken the candy, opened my door and yelled "what are you doing!!!!???." Adria burst into tears I had scared her to death. When she burst into tears I held her close now myself being scared to death cause she was crying hysterical. I explained to her that I was just joking and was trying ot scare her and if she stopped crying she could take the candy and I would not tell her mom. Funny how right after I said that she stopped crying. She had the best crocidile money could buy haha. She bounced of to her room with her candy and I realized I had just been decieved. Hey she was damn good she deserved the candy plus you cannot be mad at Adria its not possible. For instance: I watched after Adria for about three months when I first moved in with her mom when her mom was at work. I decided that after we played in the afternoon we would learn the ABC's. I had color in pictures and she worked hard. I went to walk out the door one day and say a large A in black crayon on the front door. My jaw dropped. Now it was a perfect A but um not on our white front door. You just cannot get mad at her. Now I cherish the time we share in my prayers. She is having so much freaking fun it's ridiculous though she misses her mom and family a lot. Her mom will not speak to me. In one way I see why like what are we supposed to do sit down and have lunch together when looking at Elisa is like looking at Adria. On the other hand I needed my best friend. I went to the funeral which I do not normally do. I think funerals are for the living and personally they make things a whole lot worse for me. I will always be haunted by her funeral. I will never get the picture of that little white casket out of my head. I do not know if anything could quite hurt as much as losing Adria honestly. Though I am thankful that she never knew sin, hard ache, rage, or sorrow. I will never get over Adria I still think about her several times a day. I do not know how to move on, let go and if I want to let go. I want to hold on to her forever. Seeing her face when I close my eyes, hearing her voice and laughter, smelling her when I take deep breaths. God I miss the way she smells.