ELove's Brain Online

Purpose is always something I struggle with. I want to make a difference. I want to do something. I want to be remembered. I want to be more than dirt if I died today. It's hard to get past that. I struggle with comparing myself to others. What if I did that or this and it always ends with the sad conclusion I am different. Why can't I go do all the things I used to, why can't I always say yes, why am I not meeting people, why am I alone? If God's purpose for me is to be alone then why don't I feel okay with it. Guess that's my problem. I see guys I want to get to know they are younger than me. It seems every person my age is married. Its hard to take I guess or accept. Why do I feel lonely and long for that (beside the fact that the media shoves it in your face). I do think its natural to want to have someone but it doesn't seem to be in my cards and how long is it gonna take for me to figure that out. I'm the most positive I have been in....well my whole life so I really don't been this to sound ungrateful I just wonder why I guess. I'm gonna come up with goals and continue to accept being alone is probably my path.....still working....

Teens crack me up! I feel so old and I am evidently not cool haha BUT I had the pleasure of volunteering at my church tonight and seriously I feel blessed every time I serve at my church just to see what God is doing and thinking about the possibilities sitting in front of me makes me giddy. Well I don't really get giddy but you know what I mean. Daryl gave us a pep talk that make me feel like a football player (I thoroughly enjoyed that being a sucky anything player) and to leave it on the field. So I did, I yelled, I danced, I opened my heart and it was A-mazing. I don't think about anything else when I'm there but the love of Jesus and Pastor Jeff's message (btw he cracks me up so badly I feel weird at some point from laughing so much at church :P). I told my mom when I got back that tonight was so amazing because I just wish I could be in those kids seats and have Pastor Jeff (who is amazing with teens seriously I think he is for a teen just says he's 33) talking to me about Jesus and wonder how my life would be different. And to feel blessed to be a part of something that is so amazing that if just one kid applies his message would be life changing for eternity. So cool. (Teen lingo). Feeling exhausted and happy and my dogs snoring is making me laugh. Ahhh life.

I look at where I began and where I am now and wonder how I got here and all I can do is close my eyes and thank God. My boyfriend broke up with me today because he said I have issues with my fibro etc. etc. and I am actually fine because I know how far God has brought me and how much of a blessing fibro has been in my walk with the Lord and it soothes me. Also I am a painter now! I painted two flowers and was surprised at how nice they turned out! How exciting I love acrylic paints and can't wait to do my next work. I also am excited to find a new hobby because computer graphic photography was really bringing me down I just don't enjoy it anymore. Maybe this is a new period in my life of clarity and new experiences. Well I'm praying to get to sleep tonight and feel well so I can attend church tomorrow I love the fellowship of Lifepoint. We'll see if my brain decides to obsess about the breakup hopefully not :( I knew it was not working out and he was not the Godly man he portrayed himself to be. He bailed on the only thing I ever asked him to do which was attending service with me so that was a good indicator and I am not at fault I was really a supportive and encouraging girlfriend. As I learned from Jen Griffin even thought I have bad feelings toward him now I am gonna pray for him because I know he needs God right now.

Today has been amazing. I got emotional at one point because I have been blessed two times this year to have God put something on my heart and be able to help others. It is an amazing feeling to just be allowed to be a part of that and a bit overwhelming.  It really is incredible to fully trust God and know that this is the right thing to do and He won't let me go without and that it is out of my hands. I think about how much people think have so much control over their situation when really they have none. If we answer His calls to us and do our best with what we have and live in the moment happy knowing we have everything in Him then really we know the path is there we just have to move. I once told my mom when she asked "how do you trust God?" by saying if you want to walk with God you have to take the first step and realize he is always there with you but if you are stuck in your ways and never move you can't experience His love. Although His love is always there you have to open your heart and mind to experience it and trust in Him sometimes comes with taking that step not always a leap of faith. When you trust God He will, as my Pastor spoke from the bible, FILL you with hope........and that will overflow which I feel should be shared with others.

Soooo In the last two and a half months I have been on antibiotics for a month and a half O.o. That is insane but I'm still not better so I have to take an antibiotic that I'm allergic to now its the only one that is effective enough. I'm getting at the end of my rope one again because what keeps me strong is my faith, my friends, and volunteering but this illness is hindering all that. My faith has gotten me this far but when you are feeling this sick its even hard to pray sometimes. I know my bible study group is praying for me I just wish I could be with them they mean so much to me. I'm starting to feel like the shell of myself again. I've broken down a few times but my faith is very strong right now my heart is heavy with the love of Jesus so I am very happy for that otherwise I would be a mess and it would just make everything worse. I just miss my church and just being near other people with the same faith. I have a hard time praying for help from God which is weird its usually easier for people to ask and not thank God. I try to pray for strength, courage and health I hope that's the right thing if there is a right thing to pray for. My poor little body I feel so bad for it haha. I'm so young but my body feels so old but at least my heart and mind are in a good place (most of the time!). On the brighter side my doggy Bella is delighted that her mommy will be sick in bed for another week haha. At least she's happy :D

It amazes me how far down you can be and get out of that place. A man from my church recently committed suicide and that always hits my heart. That sounds selfish because of course his family are heavy in my heart but I so feel for the man. There was a time in my life that....how can I put it. Do you know when you crave ice cream and like think about it and what kind you will get and how good it will taste and that yummy full feeling afterwards. That's what suicide used to be like for me. I was in such a bad place that it was actually comforting to thinking about killing myself. When I was going through it there was a point that I reached where I had to decide...will I continue on living this horrible life (my life around me was amazing it was in my brain that was awful, panic attacks, massive depression, and I didn't know God like I do now) or would I finish the endless cycle of misery? And you know what decision I came to.....Not to kill myself because I knew it would hurt others. When you are in that moment you never think it will get better. I never thought I would be sitting here today let alone knowing Christ, honoring him, enjoying my life and letting Christ show his love to me and through me. Never would I think that horrible cycle was gonna end and that's why I understand why people commit suicide and also why coming out of that place it makes me so deeply sad knowing they could have gotten out of that place but just didn't know it. NO ONE could have told me I wasn't going to have panic attacks everyday and cry everyday (I'm not exaggerating) I was either going to accept it or end my life. I would rock myself with my arms around myself just begging God to take me and hold me (I always felt a soothing feeling when I begged for that). I just wanted to be with God. I didn't even know I could live life and be with God. My life right now is another gift that small brown haired child Adria gave me.....a life with Jesus (She knew who jesus was from her great grandmothers necklace before anyone had ever told her) If Adria had not died I really do not think my life would have gone in  a good direction. I truly without a doubt believe Adria is an angel. In life and now in death she gives and gives. This little five year old loved like Jesus loves. The last couple months have been rough I do try not to think about it but I count each year and how old Adria would be and listen to people complain about their kids. I just sit there and shake my head and wish it was acceptable to be like well are they really that bad that you'd want them dead....if they alive cherish them no matter how difficult it is. It weird I never once thought I wish Adria had never been born or that I had never met her because of the pain....never once....She had a purpose....She was and still is my inspiration in life and I try to be like her everyday. I miss her so much it aches but in some part of me I know that this is God's plan. I know now that God does not have bad plans or bad purposes for our life He has only the best purpose. So when things out of our control happen it is God's plan. This little girls not only saved the lives of the organ recipients but of those of every person she touched. At her funeral which I remember very little about was filled to the brim with people. A crowd that a 70 y.o. person would bring. But in this child's five young years she had shown love so freely that she touched hearts just like Jesus did. I wouldn't take back one second with her, one memory or one tear. Losing Adria was a true testament that you can get past the darkest hours and you can be close to God if you open your eyes. He will find you even without the light.