So yeah I do have fibromyalgia okay this sucks but everyone says at least I won't die.......I'll leave that one be. Today is not a good day in a lot of pain. FM is a problem in the brain where it tells your body it is pain when there isn't the normal damage or stress on a body part. So yeah there also is no cure. Its like fake pain that your brain makes real. Yeah I no longer wonder why people don't think its real. It would be nice if my boyfriend showed any interest in the daily pain that I go through and not just pressure me about not having sex with him. Ok kids I have a hard time taking a shower, sex is not at the top of my list of things to do. I wrote my mom her birthday card today took 20 mins to write about four lines I wanted to say so much more but I was in so much pain I hope she knows there is so much more. I want my boyfriend to be single I really do. I think he would be soooo much happier doing his own thing meeting people and not having someone drag him down. In my mine our relationship has deteriorated to nothing so seems like a perfect time. I"m afraid to tell him cause well I don't want to be alone and I don't want him to freak out on me and make me feel worse, seems to be all he does these days cause I really honestly don't think he wants to be with me. His happy stories are that of things a single guy does and he gets depressed when he thinks about me. I just don't have the energy. He wants to make everything so complicated and deep all while acting like he's laid back. News flash he is not laid back and is supremely complicated. I need laid back. Anyways I'm either tired or in pain or something I can't write anymore. Peace....ahhh that would be nice
So here I am lying in my bed in severe pain. Migraine, neck, back and knee pain pumped full of drugs yet still in pain and now my tummy hurts from the meds. Life is fun right. I just wrote down a list of my symptoms and honestly I think it is gonna overwhelmed the doctor I am going to see today. Funny thing that is not the thing that is on my mind. I have a boyfriend, James. Everyone says "Emily its not James or nobody." Hey guess what it is, but even if it was not because I have no problem finding men not to be conceited but they just are not that complicated. Unfortunately I am because of this fucking illness. Anyways James is in California for a month or so. Usually he is really good tells me he misses me seems sad without me tells me how much he wants to see me. Instead, he got a new car without even talking it over with me *ding ding ding guess what Emily you aren't that important to this guy* and has been partying. He has myspace, one pic of me *not saying i'm his girlfriend*, tons of pics of him partying and wasted and with girls AND kissing a guy. He's 30 years old come on now. I wanted him to have fun but not leaving me hanging. I feel so unimportant right now its not even funny. He talks to bunches of girls on myspace *flashed back to my Ex cheating on me on myspace* and treats me like I"m being crazy for being upset by it *flashed back to my Ex always turning everything on me.* Real good stuff for the self esteem lemme tell ya. Wah for me right. I should not really even be in a relationship but you know what relationships never come at convenient times. We'll see where it goes like I said it's a waiting game for me. So I"m pretty sure I have Fibra Myalgia isn't that just great. My luck keeps getting better whomever said the irish are lucky was prolly drunk and irish. Damn I can't even drink anymore, hell I can't get out of bed haha. Oh its not funny but you gotta laugh in life at some point even if you're crying right?Right?
No one made me feel more important then Adria. She made me want to shower every day, make food, do laundry and actually fold it. She helped me clean the apartment and my room and it was so fun for her. She amazed me with her kind spirit and loving nature. We would take walks around the neighborhood and it was the most fun thing to her. Sometimes I wish we had a little of Adria in us to remember the small things. Remember the days we would stare at the ground and make fantasies about the ants crawling around. Seeing her do it was like breathing the freshest air on earth. I talk about Adria as my own because I felt she was mine. I am not having my own children and Adria was this perfect angelic child that loved me. She really loved me and to be honest and not corny I would give me life for her with a blink of an eye. I think about the things she was gonna do in her life. I always had such as what her prom dress would look like, when she was gonna be a snotty teenager, and what she would look standing at the alter with the most handsome kind man. You know how people say sometimes live their lives through their kids well I did. She was so sharp, energetic, intelligent and could make friends with everyone, and EVERYONE loved her the second they met her. She was everything I had always wanted to be. Funny to admire a five year old. Oh and she was beeeeeautiful. From the day she was born I loved her rose bud lips her big grey eyes and her long lashes. Now that I think about it she looked like those wide-eyed angels they sell in ceramic. One time I heard her stirring in the morning. The sounds of her moms bedroom door opening, then the stool being pushed, and the cubbard being open and shut. She was a master mind theif. I listened to it several times and counted how many of her treats she was stealing before her mom woke up. I thought it would be funny to scare her. So one morning I heard the push of the stool waiting till i knew she had taken the candy, opened my door and yelled "what are you doing!!!!???." Adria burst into tears I had scared her to death. When she burst into tears I held her close now myself being scared to death cause she was crying hysterical. I explained to her that I was just joking and was trying ot scare her and if she stopped crying she could take the candy and I would not tell her mom. Funny how right after I said that she stopped crying. She had the best crocidile money could buy haha. She bounced of to her room with her candy and I realized I had just been decieved. Hey she was damn good she deserved the candy plus you cannot be mad at Adria its not possible. For instance: I watched after Adria for about three months when I first moved in with her mom when her mom was at work. I decided that after we played in the afternoon we would learn the ABC's. I had color in pictures and she worked hard. I went to walk out the door one day and say a large A in black crayon on the front door. My jaw dropped. Now it was a perfect A but um not on our white front door. You just cannot get mad at her. Now I cherish the time we share in my prayers. She is having so much freaking fun it's ridiculous though she misses her mom and family a lot. Her mom will not speak to me. In one way I see why like what are we supposed to do sit down and have lunch together when looking at Elisa is like looking at Adria. On the other hand I needed my best friend. I went to the funeral which I do not normally do. I think funerals are for the living and personally they make things a whole lot worse for me. I will always be haunted by her funeral. I will never get the picture of that little white casket out of my head. I do not know if anything could quite hurt as much as losing Adria honestly. Though I am thankful that she never knew sin, hard ache, rage, or sorrow. I will never get over Adria I still think about her several times a day. I do not know how to move on, let go and if I want to let go. I want to hold on to her forever. Seeing her face when I close my eyes, hearing her voice and laughter, smelling her when I take deep breaths. God I miss the way she smells.
Yeah so I intended to explore short story writing with this blog but today I'm just exhausted and feeling so miserable. My boyfriend left for California for a month yesterday. I was a complete mess leading up to it. Now that he is gone I'm still a complete mess. I feel like one of those controlling husbands you here about that like like their wives up and tell them they are ugly and give them an allowance and don't allow them to have friends. I'm terrified James is going to go to California and just party his heart out fall in love with Cali maybe fall in love with another girl. A better girl. I've been laid up in bed for months now only getting up when my boyfriend visits to put on a good face. Let me tell you the trailor trash roots, my practicaly rotting gums, no makeup, dark circles under my eyes, and paler then an irish girl really should be is not a good look. That girl you see to the right is um not even close to what I look like now. Now I know its not all about looks but when my boyfriend could practically be a born again virgin and is out getting drunk a hot chick is quite the temptation. *sighs* I'm miserable. My support is my mom who actually believes me and takes care of me. I think I should have probably been put in a facility a long time ago but my parents have pretty much been giving me hospice care. My dad has given up on me. I really can't blame him but I really can't have it not hurt too. I can't even talk to him anymore cause he doesn't want to "hear my line of crap." He used to be my bestfriend. I have never had a man that stood by me, protected me,supported me, and as much as a person can not hurt me. My first love used me, abused me, and cheated on me constantly. My brother has also been extrememly abusive to me emotionally and physically. My dad has been emotionally abusive but no one would ever help with my brother and dad cause well that's just the way it is. I ask a lot of people but trust me if I could hold down a small job live in a tiny hole in bellefonte and be out of my parents hair I would do everything in my power to do so. But I know the outcome and it is me slowly killing myself by not eating or taking care of myself. I dont' think my parents understand that I don't stay here to be a pain in the ass and selfish and a leech I do it so I don't die (mind you this is not a bad outcome in my mind but I know its not what others around me want.) James isn't abusive to me. My heart screams when he is supportive of me and completely shuts off when he does his this is all your fault do something lines. Again I don't blame him. I can't believe he's stuck around so long. I really don't think he knows he is in a relationship with a disabled person that left on my own I don't eat, shower, get out of bed, do laundry. I just wither away. Its a guiltfree way of dying really for me at least. I really wish James and my relationship was more serious at this point. I wish he would take care of me maybe get a cheap hole I can live in instead of burdening my parents. Away from my parents house I could spend all my time making money online. So I could maybe even at some point pay for the place but he's not at that point. I dont think he sees me that close to him or he wants me living with him travelling around all over the place. That's all I'm gonna write right now because my thoughts are all over the place. Elove's brain is on crack today.