Soooo In the last two and a half months I have been on antibiotics for a month and a half O.o. That is insane but I'm still not better so I have to take an antibiotic that I'm allergic to now its the only one that is effective enough. I'm getting at the end of my rope one again because what keeps me strong is my faith, my friends, and volunteering but this illness is hindering all that. My faith has gotten me this far but when you are feeling this sick its even hard to pray sometimes. I know my bible study group is praying for me I just wish I could be with them they mean so much to me. I'm starting to feel like the shell of myself again. I've broken down a few times but my faith is very strong right now my heart is heavy with the love of Jesus so I am very happy for that otherwise I would be a mess and it would just make everything worse. I just miss my church and just being near other people with the same faith. I have a hard time praying for help from God which is weird its usually easier for people to ask and not thank God. I try to pray for strength, courage and health I hope that's the right thing if there is a right thing to pray for. My poor little body I feel so bad for it haha. I'm so young but my body feels so old but at least my heart and mind are in a good place (most of the time!). On the brighter side my doggy Bella is delighted that her mommy will be sick in bed for another week haha. At least she's happy :D
It amazes me how far down you can be and get out of that place. A man from my church recently committed suicide and that always hits my heart. That sounds selfish because of course his family are heavy in my heart but I so feel for the man. There was a time in my life that....how can I put it. Do you know when you crave ice cream and like think about it and what kind you will get and how good it will taste and that yummy full feeling afterwards. That's what suicide used to be like for me. I was in such a bad place that it was actually comforting to thinking about killing myself. When I was going through it there was a point that I reached where I had to decide...will I continue on living this horrible life (my life around me was amazing it was in my brain that was awful, panic attacks, massive depression, and I didn't know God like I do now) or would I finish the endless cycle of misery? And you know what decision I came to.....Not to kill myself because I knew it would hurt others. When you are in that moment you never think it will get better. I never thought I would be sitting here today let alone knowing Christ, honoring him, enjoying my life and letting Christ show his love to me and through me. Never would I think that horrible cycle was gonna end and that's why I understand why people commit suicide and also why coming out of that place it makes me so deeply sad knowing they could have gotten out of that place but just didn't know it. NO ONE could have told me I wasn't going to have panic attacks everyday and cry everyday (I'm not exaggerating) I was either going to accept it or end my life. I would rock myself with my arms around myself just begging God to take me and hold me (I always felt a soothing feeling when I begged for that). I just wanted to be with God. I didn't even know I could live life and be with God. My life right now is another gift that small brown haired child Adria gave me.....a life with Jesus (She knew who jesus was from her great grandmothers necklace before anyone had ever told her) If Adria had not died I really do not think my life would have gone in a good direction. I truly without a doubt believe Adria is an angel. In life and now in death she gives and gives. This little five year old loved like Jesus loves. The last couple months have been rough I do try not to think about it but I count each year and how old Adria would be and listen to people complain about their kids. I just sit there and shake my head and wish it was acceptable to be like well are they really that bad that you'd want them dead....if they alive cherish them no matter how difficult it is. It weird I never once thought I wish Adria had never been born or that I had never met her because of the pain....never once....She had a purpose....She was and still is my inspiration in life and I try to be like her everyday. I miss her so much it aches but in some part of me I know that this is God's plan. I know now that God does not have bad plans or bad purposes for our life He has only the best purpose. So when things out of our control happen it is God's plan. This little girls not only saved the lives of the organ recipients but of those of every person she touched. At her funeral which I remember very little about was filled to the brim with people. A crowd that a 70 y.o. person would bring. But in this child's five young years she had shown love so freely that she touched hearts just like Jesus did. I wouldn't take back one second with her, one memory or one tear. Losing Adria was a true testament that you can get past the darkest hours and you can be close to God if you open your eyes. He will find you even without the light.