So scientists know little about the brain................well they really need to get on that. I am completely insane, no really. I can remember insanity back when I was a tiny little child maybe five years old. I would lie in my little twin bed in my dark, cold room listening to the hundred year old oak trees scratching at the windows. I would have my eyes wide open saying to myself "Emily do not think about that (would be anything, when I was a child I felt guilt and this sickening feeling of being morally wrong often). It is the devil telling you to think that way." I would shut my eyes and, my mind, as if a little kid racing to the Christmas presents before the other kids got any, I would think of that one thing I told myself not to think about. My eyes would burst open because I, of course, thought the devil had crept inside my brain. Here I am twenty years later and well, scientists, I still think the devil is in my brain and in my body now for you have offered no other explanations. Makes me think about when they used to lock people with mental illnesses up in prisons. I have news for ya kiddos we already are locked up in prison. Its called being crazy and no one has a flipping clue why. I will tell various stories about my mental illnesses and of course some probably have run and hid the second I mentioned the word, like they might catch it if they read my blog. I suffer with massive depression that is cyclical in a bipolar fashion except I get really fucking sad then just kinda sad, anxiety, and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). So yeah that's what the fancy doctors came up with which they had not told me until ummm four years into my treatment. Oh and you name a drug and I have been on it so don't do the whole, "oh try this medicine and all your problems will melt away." My latest psychiatrist wrote down all the drugs I have tried and it stunned him (this man shows no emotion and he was stunned). I am at a point in my life where I understand or rather accept my mental illness. I am over being scared to tell people or accepting it as my life. I'M FUCKING INSANE!!!!! See. I still go through hard times especially with trying to have a relationship with my amazing boyfriend. I do not want to take any more medication besides the sedative I take daily because frankly my life is better being mentally ill then mentally ill with shitty side effects. I have a lot more to say about this but kinda needed to get an overview out of me. Fun stuff!
Please understand that I am highly cynical, sarcastic as hell, tend to swear and speak from my heart. My blogging is not only for me but others. Hopefully they make you laugh or touch your heart. I am completely random and full of ideas, stories, and relatable (Yeah I make up words) issues. I guess this is my disclaimer ****If you are close minded, take everything so seriously, or are grumpy.....need not apply****
ELove's brain online today: I hear a knocking at my door. I stay as still as possible not even typing for fear she will hear me. "Emiwweeee (Emily), I know I'm not supposed to knock on youwww (your) doowwww (door) but its wwweeellly (really) important." I sit motionless like I'm hiding our from the police. Another light knock and a whisper, "Emiweeeee." I stare at the door and two tiny shadows where there is a crack at the bottom of the door. I want to speak but I know I need to stay strong and follow the rules. I see a tiny piece of paper slide under my door. I stand up slowly moving to the paper like I just got passed a note in class and the teacher will see if I take it. I open it up to see a picture of the sunset, trees, and people laughing (really its just scribbles in a circular motion in several colors). I smile laughing silently. I cannot resist her. I quickly put my stern face on and open the door. Adria is standing in a night gown a sticker in her hand looking up at me as she watches my face. I turn to my door and my jaw drops. There are about fifty stickers plastered to my door from flowers to Dora (Dora the explorer from the some kids channel) to address stickers. Adria is my room mate Elisa's four year old little girl and she knows the rules of the house are if Aunty Ems door is shut no knocking or coming to my room. I hold the little piece of paper in my hand look from the stickers to Adria, her brown soft hair is sticking up in the back with her big blue/grey eyes sparkling up at me as she bats her daddy long leg long eyelashes. She pushes her hair back nervously, her little toes digging into the carpet she breaks the silence "Um Emiweee see what I did. I decowwwated your doowww (door) and also did you get my note." Adria stands proudly, my mind for a second goes to all the stickers thinking wow this will impress the men and how will i get them off. Adria is rocking back and forth now looking at the ground. I take her head in my hand stroking her hair softly, "wow Adria this sure is a lot of stickers." She shrugs and tugs me to the living room "there is a movie on will you watch it with me pwwweeasseeee." I speak to her as if she is my equal, "Adria you know not to knock on my door I will not watch the movie with you." Before I know it she is on my lap cuddled in stroking my arms and hands like she does. I sit there relaxed by her touch watching some god awful princess movie. I press my lips to her hair breathing in deep. I miss her smell, her touch, her voice, the softness of her nighties, the way she can get you to do anything and not be mad. She passed in September. She was hit by a motorcycle and was killed......I still miss the way she smelled.