ELove's Brain Online

I really forgot about this blog and looking back at it has me frightened, sad, and liberated. In some ways things have not changed. Adria. I talk to her every day and still will trade anything to be able to see her in heaven. And yes I still miss the way she smells so much it aches. Her birthday is coming up in May it is so hard to think of I can't even really describe. Thinking of how old she would be, how tall, how she could be standing right next to me but one thing has changed. Adria was not my daughter she is Elisa's and it was very wrong for me to feel that way. As much as I loved Adria with every fiber of my being it will never be what Elisa felt for her not even close. Recently Pastor Jeff spoke about forgiveness.....it came to a point where a man named Eddy spoke about experiences to Jeff and he told Pastor Jeff I have forgiven everybody, EVERYBODY but one person..........myself. Pastor Jeff replied to him "How dare you not forgive someone the savior Himself would forgive." HOW DARE YOU those words hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt my body melt and I cried. Yes IIII cried in public because How dare I not forgive myself for whatever it is that upset Elisa and made her not want to be in my life. How dare I not forgive myself for all the MILLIONS of things I hold against myself. It was an amazing moment and honestly in that moment my life, my heart was filled by Jesus. My heart feels heavy, good, protected and I trust it now. I know my life has purpose. I won't be the victim. I just won't. Yes I have pain. Yes I have fatigue. Yes I cannot do all that I once wanted to do or even now could. But you know what for all those doors that closed *I just started crying haha* ten more opened and have poured happiness throughout my life. You know I always had the strongest bond with God. I love Him more than anything period. But I did feel lost in those feelings, Is He listening, I don't deserve to ask for anything or even pray for He has given me so much already, I must disappoint Him so much, and always in my mind I apologized to God over and over again for not doing what it is I thought He put me here for. Now that all seems so crazy. God is in me, all around me, He hears me, He loves me, I can trust Him, and He has a purpose for me. I still love God more than anything but with that I learned to love myself a gift that LifePoint, myself and God have given me. And yes I actually give myself some credit amazing right! It makes me sad to read the below blogs besides the ones about Adria because they are so filled with really horrible emotions but at the same time, *breathes deep*, it feels so good to be where I am and moving in a direction with God. I pray every night. I ask for prayers for people I love and know, I speak to Adria when I want and feel I will see her again, and I love me :) in all my silliness and illness and everything that makes me, me.